Rat Writes

For some unfathomable reason, during the early 1800’s, a bunch of undiscriminating humans thought it was a fun idea to use my undeserving ancestors in a brutal and blood chilling sport known as Rat Baiting. In this seedy pastime a hundred or so of my fellow rats were caught and thrown into a big pit with a couple of bloodthirsty dogs, while human onlookers would bet on how many Rats their favourite pooch would slaughter within a minute. Professional “Rat Catchers” were employed to capture poor unsuspecting Rats for the sport, and dogs were bred specifically for the purpose, mainly the breeds now known as Terriers.

Such a travesty was not restricted to Rats, even cute and fluffy human favourites like badgers and bears were used in this sordid baiting game. Also on the list of innocents “gone to the dogs” were bulls, lions, monkeys, donkeys and even ducks!

The sport was deemed inhumane in 1835 with the onset of the Cruelty to Animals Act, when it was outlawed to use the larger or cuddly creatures in the game, but the law was not enforced for us ill-favoured Rats, and our human captors continued to degrade and torture us for fun in this diabolical venture, right up until 1912 when the last Rat baiter was prosecuted.

As an esteemed advocate for Ratkind, I take it upon myself to enhance your inadequate and flimsy knowledge of Rattus norvegicus history. In the process, it is my intention to reeducate your puny human minds on the facts of Rat supremecy through our long and tortuous history.

Firstly, due to human ignorance from the outset, we Rats were given the inappropriate name Rattus norvegicus or Norway rat, because some incompetent fool claimed we landed in Britain via Norway, when in actual fact my ancestors arrived on British shores from Denmark during the 18th century. My great great great great grandfather (who still lives, albeit with a troublesome Mycoplasmosic cough) told me that during his youth an older relative reiterated the ramblings of an ancient Rat (who lived to a grand old age of seven years) the story of our beginnings, and it was his belief that our original ancestors were first heroically forging lives for themselves in Northern China.

Of course humanity has deemed us worthy of many other silly names, like brown rat (how unimaginative), common rat (I find this one extremely insulting and disrespectful), and wharf rat (well, at least this is bordering on reality - my ancient cousins were often found frequenting the wharfs and harbours all over the world - they were seasoned and gallant travellers), and finally Fancy rat which displeases me the most in its unsophistication and conceit! As if you primates could tame us noble Rats, my friends who own human pets laugh at their good fortune to be eating fine culinary delights off the plates of their men or women servants! Although I must admit, the love of Rats in humans is a desirable trait and demands some respect from my associates and myself.

One of the worst miscarriages of justice inflicted on us Rats is the presumption that we carried and spread the Bubonic plague (or the Black Death) during the middle ages. This is nothing less than a despicable piece of propaganda used by humans to alienate us from society. As we Rattus norvegicus Rats improved and enriched Europe with our presence after 1700 we could not be accountable for the plague. It was our poor suffering (and sadly inferior) cousins rattus rattus or Black rats as you call them that had the misfortune of being cursed by pesky fleas which sickingly fed off them and other poor unfortunate mammals and infected them all with the disease. The real cause of the plague was the insiduous and unhygienic living conditions which you humans managed to create through the policy of minimal or no sanitation, ignorance, and poor management.

The next attrocity unleashed on Rats by humans was the sinister, brutal game you liked to play during the 19th century right up until 1912 called “Rat Baiting“. I will disclose the horrors of this subject in my next post.

As a R.A.T. of a somewhat refined and debonair demeaner I take it upon my humble self to educate you humans on the proper manner in which to adore and worship my distinguished associates, and I hereby introduce you crude apes to the multitude of vulgarities you have bestowed upon us poor innocent R.A.T.S. (that’s Rather Amazing Terrestrials).

Rattus norvegicus